Peanut Butter Substitute It's Not...

So I get a nice little email with the subject line of "Welcome to the Nutella Website"! Now, I'm a fan of the creamy spread (although nothing, I repeat NOTHING, will EVER take the place of peanut butter so don't even go there...), so I'm thinking, "Why not read on and see what the nutty Nutella people are emailing me about?"

Here was the body of the email (edited for your imagination):

Meet Nutella!
Nutella is just like any other girl at her age. She goes to university everyday but she is more interested in the boys than in classes. At the weekends she likes to go out with her friends, she loves dancing and often go to clubs. She used to be the type of innocent girl that dreams a lot with the perfect man but she got tired of waiting and decided to lose her virginity by the time she was 20.

You will also get access to hundreds of pics and movies of the sexiest barely legals showing off, master---ing, l---ing each other and making c---- happy.

Now THIS was an interesting marketing angle. The email immediately provoked a visit to the Nutella website where I read the FAQs with great interest. However, after the new email marketing campaign, I felt the answers were a little dated. So, I've taken it upon myself to update/amend the FAQs answers based on the clever new email marketing campaign (so obviously sent out by the REAL Nutella people *ahem*).

Amended Nutella FAQ Answers

What is Nutella?
Nutella is original, creamy, and a chocolaty hazelnut 20 year old.

What does Nutella spread taste like?
Although Nutella was designed to be deliciously unique creamy, chocolaty taste with a hint of that roasted nut flavor that will delight your taste buds as you enjoy each delicious mouthful, we suspect by now that she tastes something like an old tuna fish sandwich left in a puddle by a dirt road.
With chunks of trash.
And maybe some old gum.

How should Nutella be stored?
Nutella should be propped up in a chair (preferably close to a wall) in her Women's Feminism Issues college class until around 6 p.m. where she will miraculously spring forth and with astonishing clarity lead others to the nearest bar.
Please note-Try to keep Nutella away from heaters. Excessive heat will accelerate the loss of fresh flavor and may cause the oils found in Nutella to separate.

How do I know how fresh my Nutella is?
This is a tricky one, but we usually base it on how many days in a row she has been wearing the same micro mini and tube top. Our best guess is all should be discarded on or before day 10.

What can I eat Nutella with?
White Castles at 4 a.m. seem to be a big hit. Taco Bell drive thru for that "fourth meal" seems to work equally well.

Why does Nutella look like chocolate?
Our suspicion is that it has something to do with parental genetic code.

Where is Nutella made?
Nutella's parents were unavailable to answer this question at the time of printing.

Where can I buy Nutella?
To the best of our knowledge, Nutella has yet to move into this line of work. However, we've heard that if you start off buying her a fruity drink at TGI Fridays, then the evening looks pretty good for you.

Is there any caffeine in Nutella?
It depends on what she's had to drink/eat the night before...

I like to eat Nutella out of the jar with a spoon. Is that OK?
Hey, if you can fit her in there and she's into that, then it's A-OK with us (who are we to judge anyway!?!?).