Monday, November 30, 2009

We all have them on our Christmas list -- those people who have everything.

Or worse yet?

They don't have everything, but are impossible to buy for because nothing ever makes them happy.

At a loss on what to get these people on your list? Here are 10 gift ideas that they're guaranteed not to have...

1. Touch-n-Brush Toothpaste Dispenser (Because sometimes you're just too lazy to squeeze that tube...) $19.99 ("Amazing low price")

(Sidebar: Interested to black light that lever after everyone in the family has been pushing on it with their own toothbrush. I'm just sayin'...)

2. Anti-Snore Pillow (And if it doesn't work, you can always use it to smother your snoring partner with...) $99.95

3. Get off the Phone Excuse Machine (I always found that hanging up on people worked just fine, but that's just me...) $9.95

4. Big Top CupCake (Because nothing says "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" more than a cupcake as big as your head.) $19.95

5. Drop Stop (Because it IS really annoying trying to fish out those french fries you dropped in the car...) $19.95

6. Toilet Monster (Scare the crap out of your friends. Literally.) $16.95

7. Snuggie for Dogs (When carrying them in your purse just won't do anymore...) $14.99

8. EX Knife Holder ("Got an EX? Get The EX.") (Really, what can I say here?!? Um...available in red, too!) $69.95

9. Chia Obama (Because nothing says "Proud to be an American!" like growing grass on the head of your president.) $19.95

AND LAST?

10. Fanny Bank ("Drop some loot and hear me toot!" and "Saving your pennies will be a real gas.") $14.95

Friday, November 13, 2009

I recently learned of a wonderful drive to help Afghan moms receive pre- and postnatal care on a radio show called Mornings with Brant.

Why is it so important to help Afghan moms?

Medical access is very low for Afghan women and still birth rates are very high.

The radio show is teaming up with CURE International to help raise funds for these mothers.

In addition to the care, the team is also raising funds to donate blankets for the mothers to take home with their new little one.

You can help with a monthly gift, or a one-time donation:

• $65 helps a mom receive pre- and postnatal care and a blanket
• $125 provides a safe delivery and a blanket
• $250 provides care for two mothers and blankets

You can learn more or donate at the Mornings with Brant site. You can also call (877) 846-4978.

This is a great holiday charity idea for your group!

This little one just received a blanket on November 11, 2009.

Cure International is an organization that "provides physical and spiritual healing for disabled children in the developing world."

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I recently wrote an article Why not party for charity this holiday season? in my family entertainment column. It has gotten such positive feedback and shares, that I thought I would share some of the ideas here, too.

This is a partial repost from that column:

Thanksgiving is almost upon us. From now until the new year, most of us will take part in numerous family and friend holiday gatherings.

Why not make this year's gathering about helping others, too?

Most people don't realize that, for just a few dollars, you can make a huge impact on someone's life.

Operation Christmas Child

Operation Christmas Child collects shoe boxes full of children's items to distribute to needy children around the world.

Have partygoers bring a small toy, gift or toiletry item for a children's shoe box project. Keep the kids occupied during the party by having them decorate the shoe boxes with coloring, drawings and stickers.

Operation Christmas Child shoe box drop-off dates are November 16-22.

Find a drop-off location area near you.

Angel Food Network

Angel Food Network provides food relief and financial support to communities throughout the United States. For around $30, your party attendees can assist in feeding a family of four for about one week, or a single senior citizen for almost a month.

The best part? There is no qualifying process. Anyone can utilize the Angel Food Network. You can help out a needy family or senior citizen that you know simply by ordering the food online, picking it up at your local host site and delivering it to that family!

Find a host site location near you.

Again, prepare your guests ahead of time. It's great to announce charity opportunities on invitations. Take suggestions from your party attendees on people to "adopt" as your Angel Food recipients.

These are just a few great programs available to help others this holiday season. You can also contact your local places of worship, city or county governments, and chambers of commerce to see if they are hosting charities in which your party can participate.

Have other ideas on how people can use their holiday party gatherings to help others? Share it by leaving it in the comments!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Hey, guess what?

It's November already -- I know, who can believe -- and that means that the holidays are just around the corner.

And holidays mean buying or making gifts for others. Yes, the agonizing over what to get everyone. Spending money (that you probably don't have) on items that they may or may not be able to wear or use. What are you going to do (especially this holiday, when money is so tight)?

Have you thought about giving pictures this year?

Can you think of a better gift or a better way to let people know that you care about them than pictures of the ones they love? (And I know you have a ton of digital pictures that no one has ever seen. So do I...)

It sounds like a great idea, but unfortunately printing multiple pictures for many people to make into scrapbooks, put into frames or use to create other gift projects can be costly. In the current economy, we all need to be a little more frugal (whether we like it or not).

So get this -- is free frugal enough? If so, we found just the thing for you. Check out this great holiday (or birthday or anniversary) idea on the cheap:


At the end of October, Fuji Film started their See Here campaign -- a photo sharing website that provides you the ability to use your photos for web pages and a variety of other things.

Just for signing up for their free photo project site (where you can upload and save the photos), you can get 100 free 4x6 photos (shipping not included).

The terms are only one set of free photos per login. You must also redeem all of your free prints at one time.

To get your free prints, be sure to enter the promo code prints at checkout.

Not only can you store your photos on the site, but you can also create cool photo projects and put them on items like photo books, mugs, clothing, posters, pillow cases, stuffed animals, bags and a lot more.

Once you get your free pics, check out the local department store for a cool frame. (And you know they'll all be on sale soon!) Be sure to also check the clearance aisle. You will often find older frames marked down as they make room for the new inventory.

Picture calendars are also a great gift-giving idea. If you don't want to spend all the cash getting a calendar printed with the photographs, look for the calendars where you can insert your own photos. (I found some really cute ones at Target in the dollar bin about a week ago. Seriously.)

Voila! You have the gifts that keep on giving!

Don't forget about Fido or Fluffy, either. Pet owners love having their furry friends included in the gift-giving! These days you can find really cute pet-related frames at any department or craft store.

And trust me, in the end they'll like the picture gifts way better than the gifts like that Grateful Dead necktie or the giganto cupcake pan you buy from that infomercial, anyway.

Something is drastically missing from my holiday season this year.
Namely?
Those How-great-is-my-family?-Oh?-You-didn't-know?-Let-me-tell-you! letters.

You know them. You have a least one friend or family member in your circle that feels the need to send you a letter recapping the accomplishments of each and every one of their family members for an entire year.

What's that all about anyway? At what point (as a parent) do you think, "EVERYONE, and I mean EVERYONE, needs to know how great we are. And if they don't know? Well, for goodness sake, we're going to tell them!"

I like hearing about friends or family members just as much as the next person. But really? How annoying is it that little Johnny hasn't done anything bad for an entire year? I mean, SERIOUSLY? For AN ENTIRE YEAR the only thing that little Johnny has done is win awards?
And join 27 organizations.
Where he's the president and/or MVP of ALL but one.
Not to mention that he teaches Sunday school.
To the other preschoolers in his class.
And has advanced to the 7th grade.
At the ripe age of 4.

Come on, people. I don't know about you, but I live in the real world. You remember that one? The one where there's too much stress because there's no money. Anxiety over the state of the world. The one where little Johnny gets sent to the principal's office for making a sexual advances at little Sally in first grade. The one where you get too much food and too little exercise. The one where your parents get sick too soon and your friends lose their job.

You now - REAL LIFE. THAT's the holiday letter I'm sending next year.

I get that maybe it's just me. (BAH HUMBUG...whatever). I mean, I had sixteen pictures of Ella sitting on Santa's lap printed into a Christmas card to send to our closest friends and family and I felt WEIRD about sending those. (And I even had some leftover!).

Hell, I don't even *gasp* carry a picture of my kid in my wallet (look, there's a lot going on in there with 3,722 pieces of change, some fuzzy gum and all those membership cards to now-defunct organizations, what do you want me to do?).

These are all things I plan to explore further about myself in the new year.
With Dr. Phil.
On one of his forums.

But for now? I'm starting next year's holiday letter. It opens with, "Dear Big Fat Fakers and Liars..."

Is it too much to ask to have one evening of fun with my family?
ONE. EVENING?!?
I didn't think so.

Until last Thursday.

There's a lot going on here.
With our business.
With our business transition.
With my husband's job.
Personally.
A. LOT.

So me - itinerary girl - thinks, "Hey, wouldn't it be nice to get out for an evening of family holiday fun for a change instead of eating fast food yet again while we snap at each other out of stress-overload-induced bitchiness?"

Let the planning begin.

I like light shows. Not the Pink Floyd psychedelic set-to-music kind. I mean the festival of holiday Christmas lights kind.

When we used to live on the East Coast (AKA Civilization), we would drive through this park every year that would set up a holiday light show - Christmas tree lights in different shapes and forms (like carolers, Rudolph, Santa, etc.). Some would move. Some were just really pretty. Anyway, I always really enjoyed it (shut up - it was simple and nice. Plus shiny things amuse me).

So this year I thought the 10 month old might really appreciate it (yeah, the baby, not me). So after much research (AND THEN MORE RESEARCH), I find a drive-through light show park about an hour from our house.

And not just any light show.
THE BIGGEST HOLIDAY LIGHT SHOW IN THE MIDWEST.
FOUR MILES.
ONE MILLION LIGHTS.
(ONE MILLION!)
WITH A DRIVE-THROUGH LED TUNNEL.
WITH MUSIC.
AND THE ABILITY TO VISIT SANTA AT THE END.
AND DRINK HOT CHOCOLATE.

I know. You can only imagine my squeal of glee.
(It was something like this: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!)

So I think (which may have been where the problems started): We'll go see Santa, have a nice family dinner (at a REAL, SIT-DOWN RESTAURANT!), and then drive on to the park with the lights.

It was a nice plan. Here's how the night really played out:

1. On the way to see Santa our friend calls to say the light show has been cancelled. (SURELY NOT!) I call the park? Yeah, "The only night we've ever been closed! We had flooding." Uh. OK. It's freezing out, there's no snow and hasn't been rain for weeks. BUT OK.

STRIKE ONE.

2. We get to the mall with *supposedly* 40 minutes to spare before Santa takes his break (I mean, he's SANTA. He works for ONE SEASON. He seriously deserves BREAKS?!?). We get there just as they are pulling the tether across the end of the line 40 MINUTES EARLY. We debate (as all the other parents watch) whether to go under the tether anyway (my conniving husband said YES, his honest wife said NO). So we have 2 hours to kill. At the mall. With a baby. In a mini-Mrs. Claus dress. And a headband.

(Did I mention I LOATHE malls?!?)
(Did I mention my daughter hates headbands over her swoopy hair?!?)

As you probably guessed, baby meltdown. Parent meltdown. Standing in line for another hour (we had *that kid* in line - the one where all the other parents watch in horror/amusement that it's not their kid? Yeah. That one.) STILL WAITING FOR SANTA WHO HAD THE NERVE TO BE 25 MINUTES LATE.

STRIKE TWO.

3. Defeated, exhausted, hungry, we drive to our *nice* family dinner. Where the baby promptly passes out in emotional and physical exhaustion (minus the headband) and we eat in an exhausted silence (so NOT the family time I envisioned).

STRIKE THREE.

After all that, there was one redeeming moment where the elves parted the clouds, the fairy dust sprinkled down, the candy canes danced and there was no Noggin Moose A. Moose singing anything for the thousandth time and we got this picture:


I know.
Who can believe.

The following are five BAD ideas for Christmas gifts (you've been forewarned):

2009 Naked Clown Calendar

Boone's Farm Tshirt

Everything Is Wrong with You: The Modern Woman's Guide to Finding Self Confidence Through Self Loathing

The Llama Sutra: Getting Wild in the Wild Kingdom

Shamwow!
OR ANYTHING ELSE by this guy:

So we go on a Christmas tree expedition on Sunday.

BAH.
HUMBUG.

I LOVE Christmas, but I just wasn't into the whole tree thing this year. Could have something to do with the fact that I already decorated at the store or that Todd leaves right after Christmas every year for an event that leaves me taking down all the decorations myself. Either way, I just wasn't into it. So, Todd says, "I saw a sign for cutting your own tree right down the road, let's go there." Last year, we went to this GREAT tree farm with our friends, but I just wasn't up for the hour-plus drive.

Let me give some background: We have vaulted ceilings, but with our furniture, not a lot of room. So, we must have a VERY TALL tree, but NOT very fat. You know, Charlie-Brownish, but not too Charlie-Brownish. Easy right?

BAH.
HUMBUG.

Ok, so we get to the local place and I can tell as soon as we drive up that they don't have trees tall enough. I say, "They don't have anything here." I don't want to get out because, 1) I don't want to waste my precious time, and 2) It's too damn cold-I mean that wind cutting through to your very bone cold. Which is OK if it's snowing and pretty, but it's not. It's cold but MUDDY. *bah humbug* So, of course we get out where I get to enjoy the sounds of hunters shooting cute furry animals across the street every 30 seconds (that can ruin the Christmas cheer worse than no snow, let me tell you) AND have the guy send us on a fishing expedition because he "just knows he has those kinds of trees back there..." Of course, he didn't. He argues he does, we leave. Jackie's crabby (yeah, big shock, I know).

We starting driving to the hour-plus place and see another "cut your own tree" sign. What the heck? We try it. We get out, the first one I see I say, "Let's get it." (I obviously didn't really care). We don't, instead we walk around for an hour, traipsing through muddy fields (no snow here STILL, only rain) with the -40 degree weather (OK, so it really wasn't -40, but it felt like it). We get in the truck, I have to pee (NO, I'm NOT using THAT PORTA POTTY THING!) AND Todd notices we have something like 4 miles to empty and we're in the middle of nowhere. Imagine Blair Witch Project, only during the day.

We drive down the street, find a skanky gas station with an even skankier bathroom (oh joy!) where there is (wait for it...)
A MIRROR ON THE WALL INSIDE THE STALL! I stare at it for a few minutes convincing myself that it's a two-way mirror (I really do think it was). Who cares? If they want to see my cottage cheese a**, so be it, I have to pee.

Leaving gas station, describing two-way mirror to my husband, almost get sandwiched between a car in front of us and a truck behind us when stupid car at front of line slams on breaks.
We weren't paying attention because we were trying to find the radio information to see if it was Dean Martin singing about "Rudy and his red beak" (Dean, you arrogant SOB, must you blaspheme Rudolph?).

Finally arrive at the tree farm an hour-plus away AND find our tree in 10 minutes. WAY. And that's INCLUDING the time it took to listen to the girl explain the tree farm map.

Shall we recap?
-Furry animals dying
-Redneck tree farm liar
-Minus 40 degree weather
-Muddy traipsing
-No tree again and porta potty
-Two-way mirror
-Dean the SOB and red-beaked Rudy
-Sandwich smash
-10-minute tree

I think that pretty much sums it up.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!