Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Something was proven to me this weekend that I (and some of my closest friends) have suspected for quite some time:

I'm not really a girl.

If you've been around me for any length of time, this fact quickly becomes clear. I just don't like to do any of the stereotypically women (or woman-bonding) things.

I don't like spa days where you get facials and massages ("Please don't touch me. Thanks.")

Manis and pedis? *gasp*

Sitting in a salon for 2 hours getting my hair highlighted and cut?
A fate worse than death.

I don't like chocolate truffles, candy at Valentines Day, talking on the telephone, shopping (yes I said it, "I.DON'T.LIKE.SHOPPING!"), soap operas, Tupperware parties, changing handbags with every outfit, books and movies about vampire romances, gossiping or drama. (Seriously people, this is a NO.DRAMA.ZONE.)

I don't even really like jewelry.

I wear my wedding rings, a necklace from my husband, and the same hoop earrings--a gift to celebrate Ella's birth--daily.

That's it.

Which brings me back to this weekend's concrete proof.

My friends hosted a jewelry party--a fantastic company that will be a great side business for them.

As I walked into a room full of OOO-ing and Ahhh-ing women, I immediately realized something I already suspected:

This just isn't for me.

I was overwhelmed by the tables full of hundreds of pieces of jewelry. I didn't understand the need to fondle and try pieces of jewelry like the other women. I was even more perplexed at the need to discuss where you would wear it and with what outfit ad nauseum.

Don't get me wrong, it was a completely fantastic party with absolutely beautiful pieces of jewelry.

It's totally me.

I'm obviously missing that notch in an X chromosome that makes me giddy with joy over girly things.

I divulged this personal information to another mom over lunch this week when I said, "I don't like to talk on the phone, and I really don't like to shop."

At which point she said?
"We can no longer be friends."

See? I told you...

Did I mention before that I hate shopping? Especially when it involves a Cherokee, some steroid rage, and organic baby oatmeal (not necessarily in that order).

Anyway, we ventured out today.
The day after Christmas.
THE. DAY. AFTER. CHRISTMAS.

Mainly because the baby needed organic oatmeal that *apparently* can't be carried at any store near my house.
(Ok, really? My car is in the shop and I hadn't been out for like 5 days, maybe THAT'S the REAL reason, but whatever...).

Anyway, it was as you imagine the day after Christmas at a popular local shopping establishment. Crazy - people everywhere (Hellllooooo people who MUST return items the day after Christmas? WHAT.ARE.YOU.THINKING?!?!).

So we pull up to a *closer* parking spot to wait for someone leaving (because it's cold out and with a baby and all the baby accouterments you have a NEED to get as close as possible). While waiting in the over-packed parking lot, the little Jeep Cherokee that we're "blocking" decides he can't wait the 60 seconds it takes the other person to pull out so we can park. He starts backing up. As someone sitting in the back with a baby and directly in the line of back-up lights, I calmly say to Todd, "Honk your horn, this guy's backing up." (OK, it was more like HOOOOOONK YOUR HOOOOOOORN THIS @%#&!#@*^$ FEELS THE NEED TO BACK UP RIGHT THIS SECOND. HONK! I SAID HONK YOUR HORN!!!!).

The Cherokee idiot (the Jeep, not the Indian) pushes it as close as he can and then throws up his hand and starts gesturing. By this time, the car in the spot we were waiting for had pulled out and was now blocked by the Cherokee idiot sitting perpendicular to our car. At that moment? Mr.-Bald-head-steroid-dude-who-has-no-interest-in-the-situation walks up beside our car and also starts to gesture to us while pointing to the Cherokee idiot like, "DUDE! THIS NICE GUY'S TRYING TO BACK HIS CHEROKEE OUT AND YOU'RE BLOCKING HIM."

The time frame of all of this?
About 2 minutes.
That's right, Cherokee idiot couldn't wait 120 seconds.
Was his wife giving birth?
Had someone severed a limb?
Did he only have 2 minutes to get to the bank to deposit his Mega Millions winnings?
Was there a blue light special at some Kmart?
No - not to my knowledge - on all fronts.

The best part was that baldie - steroid boy who had nothing to do with the situation - felt the need to get involved and yell at us.

My response to steroid boy? I CACKLED with laughter.
It was better than the alternative (which was a brief fleeting thought of jumping out of the car to go toe-to-toe with baldie to mind his own business).

AHHHH.
That's the holiday spirit everyone!

(And, really, bald steroid dude? It was just a busy post-holiday parking lot. No need to go all steroid rage on my family...and it wasn't even you we were blocking...Woo-sah and find your happy spot in the new year!)

(It's just a suggestion...)

Here are the top 10 items you should resist the urge to purchase at the dollar store (no matter how good the bargain *seems*):
10. Hair Color

9. Can of Tuna

8. Packs of Koolaid that have crystallized into a block

7. Baby Food

6. Happy 40th Birthday card for your 39 year old friend (I know, I know, it was on sale)

5. Art for your walls

4. GIFTS (for anyone, of any kind)

3. Milk

2. Pregnancy Test

And the #1 thing you should NEVER buy at the dollar store?
CONDOMS

I thought registering for baby items would be fun. I mean, registering for our wedding was a blast - asking for outrageous items we couldn't afford/didn't want to buy ourselves and/or frivolous items that stay packed away in a closet until that once a year special day/holiday use. What could be more fun? So, it only made sense that registering for baby items would be just as fun.

We registered because our family is out of state and they (especially my parents) were asking what kind of things we wanted/needed for the baby. I didn't register because we expect a shower. When two of my girlfriends mentioned a shower one day, I laughed and responded, "The three of us does not a shower make." I'm the type of person that gives the shower, not gets the shower.

Anyway.

We registered at Target.
I love Target.
Loved.
Love.
Loved.
Whatever.

We first registered online and then added some additional items in store and, let me tell you, it really wasn't fun. Well, let me clarify. It wasn't fun for ME. My husband thought it was a blast. Why? You probably guessed, because he got to play with the little scan gun. Me on the other hand? Didn't find the process as exciting (never mind that we have a scan gun at the bookstore in which I scan in hundreds of books a week, but whatever).

With every question my husband asked me, I felt myself getting more anxious. I don't know which bottles will be best! I don't know if we really need one of those bathtub thingys! I don't know which diapers are recommended! The registering ended hours later with me nearly in tears running from the store shrieking, "I DON'T KNOW!"

Anyway, we finished and printed the registry, and then later checked online. I went back a week later, added some more items online and everything was A-OK.
Until this week.
The registry?
GONE.
Not there when I try to look up our registry by our name(s), and not there when I try to login to "my account". Now, this might not seem like that big of a deal, but to a hormonal, stressed, sleep-deprived pregnant woman who found the whole process excruciating, it was a big deal.
A. VERY. BIG. DEAL.

I send an email to the online support. The next day I received a canned tech support response from SHARON with *helpful* info like, "I'm sorry for any trouble you had viewing your registry on Target.com, but it looks like the problem has been fixed. If it's still not showing up when you look, you might be connected to our Website through a server that doesn't have the most up to date information. To check, just clear the address bar in your Web browser, type in “www.target.com” and open the site again. It will automatically connect you to the latest information."

You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?!?!

Of course, I clear the cookies, try on one computer and then another with the same results. (Shock of all shocks). Nothing. Now I'm more than pissed. I send Sharon another nice response and get back more helpfulness:

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulty you've had accessing your registry on our Website. For assistance with this issue, please contact the Target Online Guest Service department at (800)XXX-XXXX, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Thanks for shopping with us. We'll see you soon at Target.

NO.
SHE.
DIDN'T.

Tonight, SHARON received another nice response from me:
Gee, Sharon. That was very helpful. Thanks. It's helpful to offer technology to customers (ONLINE REGISTRIES) and then not be able to use it...

Additionally, you may want to try and look up ANY name on the registry (Have you even visited it online??!?!). I tried putting in common names across all states (for example MARY WILLIAMS) and not one name came up. NOT ONE. (All names came up as "not found"). Perhaps there really is something wrong with the registry online that happened when the new holiday website was updated?

Maybe you should try testing out the items first before sending a "canned" answer of "Please call the 800 number." When I was a tech support person, it was customary to TEST the issue before sending back responses. Or, perhaps expediting the issue to a senior tech rep or your SUPERVISOR would be reasonable. (It's just a thought...)

Don't mess with the (pregnant) bull, Sharon, you'll get the horns...
And no, no response. No resolution.

My husband leaves me a message this morning all giddy, "Looks like we'll have to get that little gun and do it all over again!" His excitement was barely containable.

(Did I mention that I hate Target?)

ADDENDUM, 11:07 a.m.:
SHARON (to me):
I'm sorry to hear about the difficulty you've had accessing your registry on our Website. I have checked your registry for on Target.com as well as on our system and it shows that it is active that is why you need to contact the Target Online Guest Service department at (800) 0591-3869 for assistance with the issue. Thanks for shopping with us. We'll see you soon at Target.

ME (to Sharon):
WOW. Shock that it IS showing up there now. However (and FYI), I still could NOT log in to my TARGET account to manage the registry. I've used this account many times to order, update, etc. GUESS HOW I DID MANAGE TO LOG IN? I clicked on the Amazon.com account radio button instead (on the Target website, under the Target account button). Hm. Again. Does this seem to be working properly to you (you, of course, not referring to you, personally, but to tech support)/Target?

Although I can appreciate the relationship we've built over the past few days, no response is required. Have a fantastic Thursday.

Earlier this week, I happened across a $50 Bloomingdales gift card that Santa brought me last year. A $50 gift card from any other store is pretty good. As you can imagine, not from Bloomingdales. Over the past year, I've been online many times trying to find something to buy with my FIFTY DOLLARS. Sadly, nothing. Even in the "Clearance Section" *ahem* the prices are ridiculous.

For example, THESE are WAY CUTE. But CLEARANCED for $319.99, I don't think so...

(BTW...there was a time when life was full of rainbows and cotton candy and money that I would've purchased those and not thought twice about it. But now is a time when I own my own business where I don't draw a salary and wonder how long I can actually make only 2 pairs of maternity pants last...but that's for another blog).

Anyway, I thought "OOOHH...I'll buy some BABY STUFF."

HMPF.

Here are some things that I CAN buy with my $50 Bloomies gift card (not including SHIPPING).

3 Juicy Couture Baby Girl Bibs: $50

Burberry Fleece Pants (Just the PANTS mind you): $46

UGG Suede Baby Boots: $50

(And I SO have to confess, if it were back in the Rainbows and Cotton Candy Money Days, I would SO BUY THESE. HMMM...I still might...How long does it stay cold here in March?!?!)

Here are some things that I CANNOT buy at Bloomies with my $50 gift card:






A Ruffled Onesie (because, uh, EVERYONE needs a ruffled onsie for a vomiting crapping NEWBORN?!?): $62
Burberry Infant Dress: $102

Burberry Stroller: $695

_________________________

Juicy Couture Onesie at Bloomies: $48

Burberry Infant Dress at Bloomies: $102

Burberry Stroller at Bloomies: $695

Feeling crappy that you gave up your Assistant Dean College Position, sunk all your money into a business, and now can't afford to buy your new baby cool stuff: PRICELESS


(BTW, "baby bags" are NOT what you would think at Bloomies. I wonder if I can purchase one of their "Brown Bag" shopping bags for $50 to use as a diaper bag since I can't afford to buy anything that goes in the shopping bag you usually get for FREE?!?!)


Addendum: CONFESSION! I, er, spent my $50 on the pink UGG baby boots for (get this) the following Christmas after she's born! (Not this Christmas mind you). Hey, they were TOO CUTE and UGG boots for $7.95 (what I paid for shipping) -- NO BRAINER! (SHUT UP)