When you're pregnant for the first time, other moms don't talk to you about the awful mom guilt that will plague you from second one of birth all the way through...well? Who knows. Only time will tell.

Other moms like to tell you about cravings and weight gain. They like to talk to you about those tiny socks and the boo-boo bunny ice packs that are cute, but you will probably never use. They have an opinion on which diapers to use, co-sleeping, nipple cream, ways to curb nausea and which way to sleep if you want a boy vs. girl. They love to tell you about bodily functions like gas and nipple size, but they never warn you about one of the most important things:

THE. GUILT.


Before I had Ella, I had no idea about mom guilt. I mean, sure I knew about GUILT. I've slept in on Sunday mornings instead of going to church. I've cheated on some diets. (Sometimes even on Sunday mornings.) But I had no idea that becoming a parent would take guilt to a whole new unimaginable level (also known as NEVER-BEING-ABLE-TO-DO-ANYTHING-AGAIN-WITHOUT-LOSING-SLEEP-AND-GAINING-GRAY-HAIRS MOM GUILT).

I've written before about Gymboree. In case you aren't familiar, it is a "gym" for babies/kids that is built around learning concepts disguised within directed play. Or, if you're Ella, it's less about directed play and more about running around and singing to yourself and dancing in the middle while everyone else is sitting on the mat during circle time.

I've met some really great people at Gymboree -- some who are even becoming fast friends (you know who you are). I've also met a few Guilter Moms. (You may not know who you are. In order to find out, look around. You're the mom that no one is talking to...) Since Gymboree is a gathering place for (mostly) moms and kids, there's definitely going to be some throw down of guilt.

The Guilter Moms are pretty easy to spot -- they're the ones who ask you disguised simple questions in order to gauge how much smarter their child is than yours. You can tell them by the smug look they get on their face when your answer to, "Does Ella still take a bottle?" is "Of course, 17 times a day!" They then use it as an opportunity to respond with something like, "OH! Little Johnny hasn't taken a bottle since he was 7 months old and he started reading. Did I mention he's potty trained? Yeah, he has slept through the night since I taught him Latin at 4 months."

You know the ones.

Some other Good Egg Gymboree Moms and I touched recently on mom guilt. (You know who you are. Thanks for being there...) Turns out? Everyone has it. However, it doesn't just come from other moms. For some it comes from parents or grandparents. For some it comes from sisters. For some? It really does come from other moms. And those moms who make you feel bad? They're probably masking their own mom guilt.

For most of us, the mom guilt comes from the same person -- us. (Yep, that's our own self.) You are your own worst enemy. (Hey, don't take it personally, so am I.) Sometimes innocent comments from other moms are just that -- INNOCENT COMMENTS.

LET.IT.GO.

You don't have to be perfect.

You don't have to raise a whiz kid.

You do need to love and support your child. Aside from that? Everything else will fall into place.

I'm not sure when mom guilt ends. Perhaps it never does. Until then? Be gentle on yourself and other moms. And I'll try to do the same.

I've written before how self-righteous you can be when you don't have kids. It's so easy to watch others and pass judgement like, "Oh No She DIDN'T! There's NO WAY my kids would be able to do that."

Well, that was then, this is now:

THEN: I will never let my baby watch television.
NOW: Let's face it, my baby logs so much television/DVD time that Michael Moore is soon going to do one of those documentaries about us. (I "justify" it by only letting her watch educational programs where I feel like I'm pumping her little brain to maximum learning capacity).

THEN: I wouldn't shop second-hand shops for my baby.
NOW: Be very, very careful what you say. With lay-offs, business closing, and tough economy, we've nicknamed our child GSB (Garage Sale Baby). Betcha can't tell what's second-hand* in her oh-so-cute nursery, can you?

That's what I thought...

THEN: I would never let our kid sleep with us. I mean, why start that bad habit. It's the parents' fault when they can't get their kids to sleep in their own room and then complain about it!
NOW: Yeah, this was a BIG ONE for me (*ahem* so I thought). We really didn't start this habit until a couple of months ago (around 8 months old) and my mom kept saying, "But I bet she's SO COLD in that crib near the floor. Your bedroom stays SO COLD!" and she guilted us into it. NOW? She sleeps in our bed and (no shock) it's a total nightmare trying to transition her to her own room. It's my own fault. You can say I TOLD YOU SO, but I don't regret having that bonding time with her the past couple of months (I do regret loss of sleep, however). (And I can hear all the audible *gasps* from you self-righteous OH NO SHE DIDN'T people. Yes I did. Get over it.).

THEN: Why does one parent have to sit in the back with the baby? It's stupid to sit in back all the time.
NOW: Let's just say my husband has been Driving Miss Daisy for almost 1 year now.

THEN: I don't understand why parents can't just have an evening out. I mean, what's the big deal?
NOW: It was hard for me to go out unless it was our part-time nanny watching her. One night, we were going to a concert and had set up another babysitter. I bailed last minute. When our friend asked why I said, "What if a meteor hits the house?!?"

THEN: If they would put their kid on a regular schedule then they wouldn't have *those* problems.
NOW: I'm still a big fan of the schedule AND still think kids work better on them. HOWEVER, schedules are NOT the end all be all like I thought. Things just HAPPEN with kids and they really don't fit into your schedule. PERIOD. (And it totally sucks).

THEN: She's home all the time with the baby, why wouldn't she have time to do (XYZ).
NOW: I'm getting paid back BIG TIME for this one. The whole baby thing? THE.MOST.TIME-CONSUMING.THING.EVER. Try running businesses from home, keeping up a house, running around after a baby, letting the dogs out 7,210 times a day all the while 2 cats are meowing something accusatory at you. It sucks. I'm just glad that I'm not required to wear those June Cleaver dresses with pearls and have my hair done. (How DID they do it, anyway?!?!).

THEN: I hate when parents lick their finger and rub dirt (or something) off of their kid's face. HELLOOOO TISSUE?!?!
Now: Well, yeah, let me tell you this -- when there's something all over your wiggly child's face and you're heading out the door (of which it took you 2 hours to get ready to JUST that point), you're not going back in for anything. NOT EVEN A WET RAG TO WASH YOUR KID'S FACE (in that case, a sufficiently salivated finger works JUST FINE).

THEN: My baby won't be a picky eater. She won't have the choice. She'll eat what I feed her and like it.
NOW: All I have to say about this one is HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH MWHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

Let the judgements begin.

*it's the refinished changing table, btw...