Thursday, March 11, 2010

Motherhood is a weird thing.

It is, by far, my best 'accomplishment' in life. However, it is also the hardest thing I've ever done.

I've alluded to it before--that strange, secret code of motherhood perfection that prohibits us from really talking about what is going on with us, our kids and our life since Us + Kids = Someone Else's Life

Well, I'm going to break that code, and I'm just going to say it right up front:

I don't like sharing my chocolate chip cookies with my toddler.

And while we're at it? I don't like

...giving up my television shows for the same episode of Elmo OVER&OVER&OVER again, or

...sticky fingers inside my Diet Coke glass to fish out pieces of ice, or

...listening to the same children's CD EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. in the car, or

...not having a good night's rest in two years because my 'mom ear' is in the permanent ON position, or

...meltdowns at grocery stores, or

...hearing "MINE!" 4,372 times per day (even when it doesn't apply).

There's more, but you get the point.

Does this mean that I don't cherish motherhood as the amazing blessing that is? Of course I cherish it. Heck, I even enjoy it.

Does it mean that I'm human? I'm guessing so, and here's how I know:

You email me to tell me that you agree.

You don't post it on my blog in the public comments (lest someone see what a 'horrible' mom you are), and you certainly don't say it to my face.
But you do use that lovely anonymity of the Internet as a shield.
And that's OK with me. I'll take a hit for the team because there are those who 'unsubscribe' whenever I do a post like this, and those of you who 'whisper' at groups and play dates.

But you're not fooling anyone.


In a recent post, I revealed how I secretly wished the school would just handle potty training so I wouldn't have to do it. A potty training expert commented, "I read potty training stuff for a living and this might be the most awesomely honest thing I've ever read. Good for you."

If this blog is nothing else, it's honest.

So, I know you're out there.
And I know you don't like sharing your chocolate chip cookies, either.
Even if you don't want to admit it.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I have to say, not much surprises me these days. However, I did receive a nice little jolt while I was performing some insomniac channel surfing in the wee hours a few days ago:

Jimmy Johnson is now the spokesperson for ExtenZe--that hokey "male enhancement" drug.

.....
....
...
..
.

I know.
I thought I would give it a few minutes to sink in for you, too.

Now I'll repeat:

Jimmy Johnson--football coach, Superbowl winner, sports commentator--is THE.SPOKESPERSON.FOR.EXTENZE.

Don't believe me? Check it out:





"Go long with ExtenZe. I do."
TMI, Jimmy.
T.M.I.

Also, don't you wonder EXACTLY what they're all going to talk about at the Jimmy Johnson ExtenZe dinner?

This begs another question: Couldn't he just sell his Superbowl ring if he needed money?!?

Dignity, man, DIG.NI.TY.

I just hope my Texas-born husband doesn't find out...
(Sorry honey.)

I think my brain is overloading...

Sunday, February 28, 2010


If you grew up during a certain time (also known as the 80s), you may remember Doug and Wendy Whiner from Saturday Night Live.


Doug (played by Joe Piscopo) and Wendy (played by Robin Duke) were a couple that WHINED about everything, especially their diverticulitis.

("But I've got diiiiiiiiivvvvvvvvverrrrticuliiiiiiiiitiiiiissss.")

For some reason, this stuck with me and I carried it into adulthood and right into medical terminology class in college.


We had this awful med term instructor who didn't really teach us, but instead made us go around the class and read the terms and definitions out of the book. One day, when it came to me, my word to read aloud was...yep, you guessed it...DIVERTICULITIS.


Because I'm the funniest person I know, I decided to channel Wendy Whiner and read diverticulitis and the definition like Wendy Whiner would. It got a good laugh from the class, but the instructor wasn't impressed. I was promptly asked to leave the class.

[Way. I KNOW. This is probably why I grew up to teach health care courses, including medical terminology. I not only joke around with my college students, I also let them joke around with me. *gaaasssp* I digress...]

Anyway, fast forward *many* years where my husband and I have shared a few good Doug and Wendy Whiner diverticulitis laughs.

This past Friday night yet another one of us spent the evening in the ER. This time it was my husband.

I stayed home with a sleeping baby and my husband was texting me updates. After a few hours I get the following text:

"I have diverticulitis."

At which point, I did what any supportive wife would do...I cackled.

(To my credit, I did refrain from texting him my amusement. I just laughed to his face when he got home.)

I do miss the good old SNL days...

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Something was proven to me this weekend that I (and some of my closest friends) have suspected for quite some time:

I'm not really a girl.

If you've been around me for any length of time, this fact quickly becomes clear. I just don't like to do any of the stereotypically women (or woman-bonding) things.

I don't like spa days where you get facials and massages ("Please don't touch me. Thanks.")

Manis and pedis? *gasp*

Sitting in a salon for 2 hours getting my hair highlighted and cut?
A fate worse than death.

I don't like chocolate truffles, candy at Valentines Day, talking on the telephone, shopping (yes I said it, "I.DON'T.LIKE.SHOPPING!"), soap operas, Tupperware parties, changing handbags with every outfit, books and movies about vampire romances, gossiping or drama. (Seriously people, this is a NO.DRAMA.ZONE.)

I don't even really like jewelry.

I wear my wedding rings, a necklace from my husband, and the same hoop earrings--a gift to celebrate Ella's birth--daily.

That's it.

Which brings me back to this weekend's concrete proof.

My friends hosted a jewelry party--a fantastic company that will be a great side business for them.

As I walked into a room full of OOO-ing and Ahhh-ing women, I immediately realized something I already suspected:

This just isn't for me.

I was overwhelmed by the tables full of hundreds of pieces of jewelry. I didn't understand the need to fondle and try pieces of jewelry like the other women. I was even more perplexed at the need to discuss where you would wear it and with what outfit ad nauseum.

Don't get me wrong, it was a completely fantastic party with absolutely beautiful pieces of jewelry.

It's totally me.

I'm obviously missing that notch in an X chromosome that makes me giddy with joy over girly things.

I divulged this personal information to another mom over lunch this week when I said, "I don't like to talk on the phone, and I really don't like to shop."

At which point she said?
"We can no longer be friends."

See? I told you...

Friday, February 19, 2010

If you're like us, you'll take every chance you can to save money in this economy.

This even means shopping after-holiday sales for upcoming gifts.

For a brief time, stores will still have clearanced Valentine Day gifts available--many listed at 50 to 90% off the retail price.

I can just hear you asking, "What am I supposed to do with clearanced Valentine items?"

Did you forget that Easter is right around the corner?

Believe it or not, you can find plenty of Valentine items for your upcoming Easter basket at a fraction of the cost.

Shop Valentine clearance aisles not for the candy, but for the other items--cute cards, cups, games and stuffed animals.

Today, I shopped for my toddler and found a pre-packaged gift tin with a cute leopard (trust me, she won't even care that it's not a bunny).

I also found some peel-and-stick "make-a-face" Valentine cards (that really didn't look like Valentine cards, just stickers).

The total after the clearance discount for both?
$3.75.

For Easter, we'll fill the tin with a few pieces of Easter candy, some fun eggs and I'll wrap it in Easter cellophane.

When all is said and done, she'll have a cool Easter gift that cost us less than $10.

Worried that this won't work for the older ones on your Easter list? I also saw some cute mugs (that were love-related, but didn't look like Valentines), and some cool drink shakers--both of which would be lots of fun filled with Easter candy.

Use your imagination and don't be fooled into thinking that you can't use an item for another holiday just because it has a heart or the word "love" on it.

Now, go on. You won't have much longer until these deals are gone.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

If you have a toddler that goes to school, daycare or play groups, you probably have an entire bag of Valentine cards scattered around your home.

Us, too.

Have you ever thought of using them for "mail time" play?

Mail time play allows you not only to teach toddlers about mail, but also provides an opportunity for them to practice coordination and motor skills (along with a little strategy).

Mail time play is easy, especially since tots love to put things in and take things out.

All you need to do is create a mailbox, and the construction is pretty simple.

Toddler Mailbox

Materials:

• A shoebox (or a box with a removable lid)
• Wrapping or craft paper
• Tape
• Scissors
• Old Valentine cards (works just as well with leftover birthday cards, Christmas cards, or just plain envelopes)

Directions:

1. Cut two slots of varying sizes into the shoebox top. (The two sizes helps with coordination and motor skills as the child will need to figure out that the big ones only fit in the big slot, etc.)

2. Cover the top and the bottom of the box with wrapping or craft paper.

3. Cut through the paper on the box top to expose the slots. Tape the edges down on the inside of the slots to make a smooth surface through the slot.

4. Write on or decorate the "mailbox."

Helpful Hints:

• Be sure to use a shoebox or other box with a removable lid. The toddler needs an easy way to get the "mail" out so they can start over again!
• Test that the cards fit into the slots before wrapping the lid. You don't want to have a frustrated toddler when they can't get the cards into the slots.
• Toddlers love to color and work with stickers. This project is easy enough that the toddler can help with the entire process, but especially the decorating!

When you are finished, not only do you have a new "mailbox" game, but you also have a place to house those cards and "mail" when they're not being played with (sneaky, huh?).

My two-year-old spends time throughout the day putting her "mail" into the slots, taking them out and then starting all over again.