So.

I need a serious makeover. I mean, in addition to the 3,000 pounds to lose that we won't mention, I just need a serious makeover.

I look tired.

My complexion looks all blah.

My hair is limp (not to mention it is falling out).

And it needs some serious shaping.

I need a pedicure (or maybe just one of those Ped-Eggs, I haven't decided yet).

And I smell.

(Ok, I made up the last one, but, hey, you never know when you leave the house with baby vomit in inconspicuous places).

(Don't laugh. It did could happen.)

So anyway, when I'm out spending what little money I have on frivolous items like, you know, DIAPERS AND FORMULA, I decided to get some of those cute headbands. You know the ones that are skinny, but you wear around smoothed back hair? The ones that you can double up on to make them look even cuter? You know, like this:

It is probably SO LAST YEAR, but I don't care. I think it's cute and I need some help with this hair that I wear up ALL.THE.TIME.

I can't remember the last time I bought myself something so FRIVOLOUS (yes, I know, sad. Shut up), so I was pretty excited. I get home, get the baby situated and RUN to the bathroom to try my new gift to myself! Only to find? Apparently my butt is not the only thing that is too fat. I guess my head is, too. My cute little hair "bands" squeeze themselves until they rubber band right off the back of my head.

I mean, is it REALLY too much to ask for just a little tiny bit of Tra-La-La Here Comes the Sun Feelin' Good About Myself!?!?

*sigh*

Ella turned 16 today.
Weeks.
16 Weeks.


Before going off to work, I sat her down and had a serious discussion with her about how now that she is 16 she needs to start pulling her own weight.

You know, like getting a driver's license and getting a job.

It seemed like the responsible parenting thing to do.


In true "I just turned 16 and I'm a princess and you're not the boss of me" fashion, she instead decided to take up a bad habit:






I think it had something to do with us not having a party for her and not being featured on MTVs My Super Sweet Sixteen. This is only speculation on my part, of course, since she's not speaking to me...

I totally don't get the complete and utter devotion to American Idol.
*cough*my husband*cough*


I mean, it seems that after a certain age, devotion (er, obsession) to/with this kind of thing is, well, creepy.
*cough*my husband*cough*


Anyway...

My husband used to get mad at me because I never wanted to watch it. (Sorry I outed you, honey). It was just a little too cheesy for me (not to be confused with Chikeeze)...

Last year FOR THE FIRST TIME I watched some of the tryouts. They were amusing, but I eventually lost interest as the "popularity contest" went on. Same thing happened this year. I did make it pretty far this year, but only because Michael Johns and David Cook were such hotties (LOVED the "Cougars for Cook" sign in the audience a couple of weeks ago). But after Michael Johns got voted off, I (once again) completely lost interest unless David Cook was on.


Last night, I had Idol on while I was doing housework. Well, honestly? It was on because we were DVR-ing two things at once and you can't change the channel which is really stupid.

But, I digress.

Anyway, I must admit, I really enjoyed the David Cook/ZZ Top pairing. I would've preferred two hours straight - without moving - staring into the TV - of a David Cook concert (paired with other cool musicians). The rest? COMPETELY OVER-THE-TOP CHEESY. I mean, who else was creeped out by the "I'll be your father figure" group sing? *ew*.

And, don't even get me started on the semi-choreographed dancing...
I mean, did you see poor Brooke try to dance and sing at the same time? Egad. And what about that rocker chick who so obviously wanted to be anywhere but there? Speaking of which, how torturous of them (the producers) to make the LOSERS (helloooo big L?!?) stay on the rest of the contest only to perform on the last night to remind them what big losers they are? It's all too weird for me (not to mention, I have NO INTEREST in trying to watch 16 year old David Archuletta trying to sing Neil Diamond. I mean, HELLLLOOOO, was he even born in time to know what "I will be your father figure" is all about?!?).


Anyway, SO GLAD that David Cook won. I'll really look forward to seeing, er hearing, more of him.


I can't believe I just wrote an entire blog post about American Idol.
I suck.

You really don't understand the importance of public restrooms until you have a child. At least I didn't. ESPECIALLY a baby. If there isn't one of those flip down diaper changer thingies, then fahgetaboutit. (It's hard enough for my germaphobe mind to put her on one of those flip down things let alone a public restroom floor *shudder*).

That said, get this...
I'm out today at a popular, well-known, department-like store. They have a big sign over the exit door for a FAMILY RESTROOM.
FAMILY.

So, I take Ella's seat off the cart, leave my items, exit the building to the vestibule area, and go into the FAMILY RESTROOM. Imagine my surprise when I find that the FAMILY RESTROOM is just a large, one person restroom WITH NO FLIP DOWN DIAPER CHANGER THINGY.

Now I axe you, what made this a FAMILY RESTROOM?
I mean, WTF?!?!

AKA: How NOT to Do Baby Einstein Flash Cards


Ella has Baby Einstein flash cards. If you don't know what they are, they are laminated flash cards with colorful photographs of different items that a baby may (or may not) find interesting. On the back, they give you "triggers" to ask the kids and also pronounciations for the word in different languages.


Ella has a particular affinity for the STAR and the COW. I was showing them to her a few nights ago and I was pronouncing the two words in Spanish (following, of course, the pronounciation guide on the back of the cards). Todd takes them from me and goes through all the different lanuage pronounciations for the star (In French this is .... In Spanish this is...) and then he says, "And THIS? This is a ROCK STAR!" and he starts playing air guitar for Ella.


Then he takes the cow card and goes through all the pronounciations. When he finishes he says, "And in Texas? This is called STEAK."


Spoken like a true native Texan...

Yesterday was very interesting. It was a huge Blessing to have my first Mother's Day - something I never thought I would experience in my life.

On my Mother's Day, we went to this "special" place. It was a little crowded, but it had these nice loveseat-type chairs with an umbrella. Just to the right of where I was sitting was a beautiful wall of blooming flowers. There were an amazing amount of different kind of appetizer-like finger foods. Then, Todd picked up this beautiful white 6" orchid plant off the floor. It was SO BEAUTIFUL and I was picturing it in my Bay Window!

It would've been a perfect Mother's Day if we hadn't been at Costco...

Here are some things that would make you a very creepy couple if people didn't know that you had a new baby:

• Breast pump top on kitchen counter.
• Baby Einstein video (dude, have you ever watched one of these?!? TOTAL ACID TRIP).
• Medical syringe in the living room.
• Rash ointment on the living room ottoman.
• Semi-nude baby photos on computers.
• Packs of batteries all over the house.
• Anal thermometer on ottoman tray.
• Video & 35-mm cameras on bedroom nightstand.

Parents or creepy couple? Very fine line...

Here's a little game anyone can play:


Which of the following seems the most out of place?


a. A dad grocery shopping with his 4 year old daughter.
b. A dad grocery shopping with his 4 year old daughter at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning.
c. A dad grocery shopping with his 4 year old daughter at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning and singing.
d. A dad grocery shopping with his 4 year old daughter at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning and singing along to "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman" at the top of his lungs in the line behind me.


You choose...

Today in the bookstore I found a lady bug helping herself to the book, Eternal Impact: Investing in the Lives of Men by Phil Downer. I assumed she was lost, so I gently redirected her to the Gardening Section - specifically, to a book about roses on display in the window.

I thought it would give the gardening display window some authenticity.

Anyway...

I wondered later if I had made a mistake. Maybe she needed redirecting to the relationship section (given her ealier interests)?

5 Things I TOTALLY don't get:

5. Ice cream with birthday cake.
4. Dancing with the Stars.
3. Calamari.
2. Tila Tequila.

And the number 1 thing that I TOTALLY don't get?

Sperm for tickets.