Baby Einstein Gone Wrong

AKA: How NOT to Do Baby Einstein Flash Cards


Ella has Baby Einstein flash cards. If you don't know what they are, they are laminated flash cards with colorful photographs of different items that a baby may (or may not) find interesting. On the back, they give you "triggers" to ask the kids and also pronounciations for the word in different languages.


Ella has a particular affinity for the STAR and the COW. I was showing them to her a few nights ago and I was pronouncing the two words in Spanish (following, of course, the pronounciation guide on the back of the cards). Todd takes them from me and goes through all the different lanuage pronounciations for the star (In French this is .... In Spanish this is...) and then he says, "And THIS? This is a ROCK STAR!" and he starts playing air guitar for Ella.


Then he takes the cow card and goes through all the pronounciations. When he finishes he says, "And in Texas? This is called STEAK."


Spoken like a true native Texan...

What I Did for My 1st Mother's Day

Yesterday was very interesting. It was a huge Blessing to have my first Mother's Day - something I never thought I would experience in my life.

On my Mother's Day, we went to this "special" place. It was a little crowded, but it had these nice loveseat-type chairs with an umbrella. Just to the right of where I was sitting was a beautiful wall of blooming flowers. There were an amazing amount of different kind of appetizer-like finger foods. Then, Todd picked up this beautiful white 6" orchid plant off the floor. It was SO BEAUTIFUL and I was picturing it in my Bay Window!

It would've been a perfect Mother's Day if we hadn't been at Costco...

Parents or Creepy Couple?

Here are some things that would make you a very creepy couple if people didn't know that you had a new baby:

• Breast pump top on kitchen counter.
• Baby Einstein video (dude, have you ever watched one of these?!? TOTAL ACID TRIP).
• Medical syringe in the living room.
• Rash ointment on the living room ottoman.
• Semi-nude baby photos on computers.
• Packs of batteries all over the house.
• Anal thermometer on ottoman tray.
• Video & 35-mm cameras on bedroom nightstand.

Parents or creepy couple? Very fine line...

All Skate, No Restrictions

Here's a little game anyone can play:


Which of the following seems the most out of place?


a. A dad grocery shopping with his 4 year old daughter.
b. A dad grocery shopping with his 4 year old daughter at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning.
c. A dad grocery shopping with his 4 year old daughter at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning and singing.
d. A dad grocery shopping with his 4 year old daughter at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning and singing along to "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman" at the top of his lungs in the line behind me.


You choose...

Finding Yourself

Today in the bookstore I found a lady bug helping herself to the book, Eternal Impact: Investing in the Lives of Men by Phil Downer. I assumed she was lost, so I gently redirected her to the Gardening Section - specifically, to a book about roses on display in the window.

I thought it would give the gardening display window some authenticity.

Anyway...

I wondered later if I had made a mistake. Maybe she needed redirecting to the relationship section (given her ealier interests)?

Jackie's Top 5, II

5 Things I TOTALLY don't get:

5. Ice cream with birthday cake.
4. Dancing with the Stars.
3. Calamari.
2. Tila Tequila.

And the number 1 thing that I TOTALLY don't get?

Sperm for tickets.

Stupid Human Tricks

Want to have some fun the next time you are shopping? Follow these simple directions:

1. Go to your favorite local grocery or department store.
2. Remove one of the security sensor tags from a random product.
3. Find a person with a FULL CART (important part) of items (you know, a person who will need the cart to get out to their car).
4. Place the security tag on an inconspicuous place on the cart.
5. Watch the person using the cart try to leave the store.

It's really, really funny.

Until it happens to you.

(don't ask me how I know...)

Jackie's Top 5

Here are the top 5 strangest things I experienced over the past week:

#5: Love Me, Love My Doll
#4: Oppressive Lesbian Judgement
#3: Ninja Cocaine Kitty Butt Spraying Me in the Eye
#2: Man Playing Bagpipes to the Water in the Park Across from My House

And the #1 strangest thing I experienced over the past week?

A billboard for a local funeral home advertising their ability to podcast their funeral service over the Internet with the tag line, "Now Everyone Can Attend" (and a picture of an elderly woman with her laptop).

But no judgment...

At the grocery store tonight, I get in line behind 2 women unloading their one cart together. I'm holding Ella and navigating my cart with one hand and one of the women says, "OH! So this is the little screamer I heard earlier."

HM.

ME: "Yeah, girlfriend has some lungs. She really doesn't like to be in her car seat..."
Her: "Well, I guess she got EXACTLY what she wanted then, didn't she? She's being held..."
*insert oppressive judgment here*

You know, never mind that you are judging me for a baby that has been sick since Saturday.
Never mind that she has projectile vomited for the last 3 days and can't keep anything down.
Never mind that when she sits at the smallest reclining position it's completely uncomfortable for her because of her serious reflux.
Never mind that she's had such bad diarrhea for the last 24 hours that it soaks through a diaper and 2 layers of clothes.
Never mind that I've had to sleep with her on my chest sitting up in a chair for the past two nights so that she doesn't vomit every 10 minutes.
Never mind that I had to change me twice and her once this morning due to the volume of her projectile vomiting.
Never mind that even though she's sick, I still have to schlep her around in public to get everything done that needs to be done.

And?
Never mind that you are a lesbian couple looking down on me for my parenting skills.

But no judgment...

Creepiest Thing EVER

As I mentioned previously, I'm logging a lot of baby-created TV time.
Lucky me.
(And now, luck for you!)

Since I didn't watch a great deal of TV BB (before baby), I've been introduced to some pretty interesting things. For example, who knew that The Food Network is possibly one of the greatest channels on TV?!?

While channel surfing in the wee hours this morning, I came across a BBC program called Love Me, Love My Doll. Well, who could resist that, I ask you?

Let me say this:
CREEPIEST. THING. EVER. (in the history of creepy things)

There are men (and I suppose women, but the show was only about men) who spend up to $10,000 to create their own life-size, life-like "doll". For what purpose? I'll let you use your imagination.

The weirdest part to me was not that men bought these just for sex (well, aside from that fact that people actually spend $10,000 on them! That was weird to me...). The creepiest part was that all of the men in this program talked about "being in a relationship" with their doll.

HELLLLLOOOOOOO...
REALITY CHECK: IT'S A FRIGGIN' DOLL!

One guy actually had 8 of them.
EIGHT.
AT $10,000 EACH.
You do the math.

Of course, this is the same guy (who actually seemed semi-normal) that has a GIRLFRIEND. His girlfriend knew about the doll(s), but he hadn't been upfront about how many he had and the extent of his "relationship" with them. So, for his birthday he decided to have a birthday party with his girlfriend.
And two of his dolls.
Which he dressed up.
And put make-up on.
And birthday party horns in their mouths.
(Way...)

When she arrived, she started cracking up and then said, "I need a beer." Later she asked him how many he had and how often he used them. When he said eight and about once a week she was stunned. Flash to them eating and drinking wine at the dinner table.
WITH THE DOLLS.

Flash to the girlfriend saying, "I'm glad he was open about it. I don't have a problem with it..."
BUT YOU COULD TOTALLY TELL SHE DID!
Voiceover at the end said that the girlfriend broke up with the guy a week after the "birthday party."
BIG SHOCKER.

It's creeping me out just to re-live it again and relay it here.
If you excuse me, I need to shower...

If you're intrigued by the creepy, I found a portion of it posted on YouTube. (FYI: It's under the mature audience section, but it doesn't show anything lewd...aside from the general creepiness of it).