The following is an email exchange between my cousin, Matt, and me. Enjoy!
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To: Jackie
From: Matt
Subject: I heard a little rumor
Is it true? Are congratulations in order?
Miss you, Matt.
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To: Matt
From: Jackie
Subject: RE: I heard a little rumor
It depends...what did you hear?!?
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To: Jackie
From: Matt
Subject: RE: I heard a little rumor
I heard all of the following. You tell me which ones are NOT true:
1. You won the lottery and built a school for blind kids.
2. You found your long lost twin, and they're not evil.
3. You saved a nun from a burning building.
4. You performed an emergency landing after the airplane pilot became unconscious.
5. You discovered a new species of plant that can cure cancer (in Michigan of all places!).
6. You donated a kidney to a stranger.
7. Ethiopia no longer has a food problem thanks to you.
8. You had a talk with Al Gore and global warming is gonna be OK afterall.
9. You performed a midnight lightning strike, and now Iran isn't a nuclear threat anymore.
10. You hosted an ice cream social for North and South Korea. Everyone's happy now.
11. You personally delivered Osama Bin Laden to backwoods Alabama for some sweet justice.
12. You reinstated Pluto as a planet again.
13. You're going to have a baby.
That's all I got right now. And that was just your Tuesday! Matt.
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To: Matt
From: Jackie
RE: I heard a little rumor
I am deeply humbled by your flattery of my supposed recent accomplishments; however, I regret to inform you that you may have been misinformed. Although there are some truths to your listing, there are also some discrepancies. I’ll try to address them point-by-point:
1. I have not won the lottery, yet I play religiously often combining my food stamps and the change I can dig from in between my car seats at the thought that I can one day (at last!) have enough money to buy the Neverland Ranch arch and gate from Michael Jackson’s estate.
2. I don’t have an evil twin, but I do have an evil older brother.
3. I thought I was saving a nun, but then I realized I had dozed off and woke up during a Sally Field movie.
4. I was all set to land the plane when at the last moment the pilot awoke from a sweat-drenched unconscious state screaming, “THE WHITE ZONE IS FOR LOADING AND UNLOADING ONLY!”
5. It wasn’t really CANCER I was trying to cure as much as a “grammatical growth” by trying to ban every Michigander within a 75-mile radius of me from ending their sentence in eh?
6. I don’t consider the kidney donation to be to a “stranger” per se since we bonded nicely over 3.5 beers together at the local pub prior to my waking up in a hotel room in a bathtub full of ice.
7. I’m offended by the Ethiopia comment since I think it was meant to be a FAT JOKE.
8. I spoke with Al Gore at length, but basically it was about how I didn’t really think HE invented the Internet (and NOTHING about global warming).
9. No, but I did perform a midnight Pink Floyd light show in my back yard that almost caused a Canadian strike.
10. I TRIED to host an ice cream social between North and South Korea, but it turned out to be a disaster when I realized that the only one true place in the world that appreciates Bubble Gum ice cream is Shelbyville, Indiana.
11. OK, let’s get the Bin Laden thing straight – the ONLY reason that I delivered him to Alabama was because a group of white supremacists where SURE that it was really Dennis Rodman in disguise under all that hair and turban (I mean, think about it – have you seen Dennis Rodman lately?!?)
12. No, but I did reinstate Pluto as Mickey Mouse’s faithful sidekick
13. In relation to the pregnancy thing:
I’m either pregnant or
a. I've developed an unquenchable thirst the size of Montana that even the Tequila worm won't quench.
b. Someone on the "other side" is trying to use EVP to contact me through the white noise of an ultrasound.
c. I've had a really, really bad bout of food poisoning for the past 3+ months.
d. I've developed a case of hiccough Tourettes 78.6% of that time that I open my mouth to speak to customers.
e. I'm trying an interesting new diet technique to see how long I can sustain a diet just on chicken noodle soup, baked potatoes, and White Cherry Slurpees before I experience an Atkins-negative effect.
f. That breast enhancement cream that I ordered from HSN during one particularly insomnia-laced night REALLY DOES WORK!
Hope this clears up everything!
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TO: Jackie
FROM: Matt
Subject: RE: I heard a little rumor
OK, let me just say. Pure genius. I can't believe I've been missing out on this kind of banter for so long. Props for #6.You'll appreciate this video. Stay with it to the end if you can. Well, I guess congratulations are in order. The rumors ARE true. You found Dennis Rodman, and he got what he deserved.Love you and miss you. I'm gonna be in Detroit in two weeks (actually Monroe). Any chance you're going to be down that way on September 8th? Matt.
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To: Matt
From: Jackie
Subject: RE: I heard a little rumor
Thank you, thank you. I'll be playing here all week.
Disclaimer: The listed information is property of JacquelineWilsonSarcasm.com (AKA: "Bored At Work and No One to Play With"). All rights reserved. Created and penned in the questionable, but completely drug-free zone of Jackie's demented mind in Mayberry, USA.
We should be around that week. Would love to see you! Contact us closer to the date and let us know your schedule and/or follow the Pink Floyd light show to the North. Miss you and hugs/kisses to the family.
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In all seriousness (I know, hard after that), Matt and his family are doing some pretty important things in the world. Support them if you can.
