Thanks for tuning in today to yet another edition of More Riveting Marital Conversations:


ME: You know Ming Ming on Wonder Pets?
Him: Yes.
ME: Do you think Ming Ming's a boy or a girl?
Him: *with certainty* She's a girl.
ME: *silence*
ME: Um, how do you know?
Him: Because when they were on the episode with the grass skirts she's the only one that had on a coconut bra.
ME: *blink*blink*blink*

__________

ME: You know, I can already tell Ella and I are going to have little personal jokes that no one else gets when she grows up.
Him: Why do you think that?
ME: Well, we already do it. Something will happen and we will look at each other at the same time and start laughing.
Him: *silence*
Him: *paranoia* I'm going to be the butt of all the jokes, aren't I?
ME: *blink*blink*blink*
ME: Whatttteeeever would make you think that?

__________


Him: Why do you have an overexposed Xray-type picture of a leaf on your desktop?
ME: Because I like it.
Him: *silence*
Him: I have a picture of the three girls on mine. You have a picture of a leaf.
Him: Think about it...

_________

Him: What are you working on?
ME: I'm trying to make the bookstore website do something.
Him: *peering over my shoulder*
Him: Can't you just write a code to make it do that magically. *waves hand*
ME: *sigh*
ME: NO TODD. I CAN'T JUST WRITE A CODE TO MAKE THAT MAGICALLY HAPPEN.
Him: Oh. Too bad
__________


ME: Ella's poopy again
Him: AHHHH COME ON. I just changed the last one.
ME: SO?
Him: *glare*
ME: Rock-Paper-Scissors you for it?
Him: Sure. One-two-three...
ME: DAMN IT!

_________

ME: Did you get a lottery ticket?
Him: Yes.
ME: Great. I'm going upstairs to nap. When I awaken, I expect to be independently wealthy.
Him: Yes, your highness.

I like mochas.
I like babies.
Sometimes I even like to take my baby into a place where they serve mochas - say, like, a Starbucks.
I'm assuming other people do as well.
But I'm seriously reconsidering my support of Starbucks.

On two recent driving trips, we stopped at several Starbucks. NONE had changing tables in their bathrooms. That's ZERO, NADA, ZIP, ZILCH. BIG, NICE, SINGLE PERSON bathrooms (big enough to house a frat party) and they couldn't install one of those cheap, flip-down, plastic changing tables? Look, unless you want me changing my baby on your table a la Britney, you might want to rethink this.

So, I'm in serious contemplation about starting a movement against family-unfriendly Starbucks. I mean, dudes, give up $200 of your corporate salaries TO INSTALL A CHANGING TABLE.

MOMS LIKE COFFEE, TOO!

Look, before I had a baby, I hated kids in my space, too. However, now that I have a baby? You all must be subjected to babyness. I mean, who does Starbucks think they are putting those open air coolers in so that little grubby hands can just reach and pick any glass-bottled drink product they want? In my opinion, they are just asking for a little artsy rearranging of those ceramic cups ON THE BOTTOM SHELF.

How dare they create a family unfriendly environment?

Then again, they may have a point. I'm pretty sure the guy saying the rosary didn't appreciate Ella running over and grabbing his yummy pastry off the table while he had his eye closed. (Her little legs are deceptively fast!)

So what do I know, anyway?!?

Alternately Titled: Being an April Fool is no joke.

How does this blog post look?
Spiffy?
Way cooler than before?
Like a few hundred bucks?
It should.
I'm writing to you from my new super-duper HP Pavilion dv7 "Entertainment PC" laptop with AMD Turion x2 ATI Radeon HD 3200 Graphics wifi certified windows vista lightscribe direct disc labeling sms premium sound mediasmart camera built in and a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time.

And, yes. I just read all of that right off the label stuck to my new laptop. (Well, except the compass thing, but you already knew that.)

And, nope. I have no idea what 90% of it means.

But I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

My old laptop was going down. Fast. It was around 3 years old. I used it daily. It stayed on most of the time. It was way bogged down with pictures and web graphics and games and all the other stuff you're not supposed to save on your laptop. I knew it was coming. I was just hoping to postpone shelling out the Benjies for a new one. Say, for about 3 more years. Unfortunately it had other ideas.

On Tuesday, in preparation for the big scary April Fool's virus (that seems to happen every year with lots of pomp and circumstance but no delivery), I decided to spend the evening cleaning up my laptop, updating all my virus protection, etc. etc. This included downloading CCleaner to clean off a REALLY slow running low memory hard drive. I'll save you all the blah-blah-blah, but ultimately CCleaner removed some Windows registry items and upon reboot gave me THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH (BSoD). So I spent all of April 1st - like a fool - trying to fix it myself. I'll save you all of the wailing, crying and gnashing of teeth. And that was just from my husband for living with me during this time.

Day 2 of BSoD: We took my laptop into some great computer guys who tried to revive old lappy for not one, not two, but three days.

THREE DAYS.
That would be over four days of no laptop.
No work.
Under a work deadline.

Now?
Lappy's dead (apparently - and shock of no shocks - there were a multitude of other problems, too). OK, well, not really DEAD (Lappy still boots up), but severely wounded beyond repair.

So here we are.
A new computer.
Something that would be fun and exciting for most people.
Something that's more like water torture for me.

It's been lots of fun at my house. (Scratch that...I've been loads of fun.)

So, tell me.
Can you read me now?

So Saturday night, March 28, was Earth Hour.
Miss it?
Yeah, me too.

I have to admit, I'm a little out of it right now, but I hadn't even heard about Earth Hour until I happened to catch an episode of Larry King last week. (I mean, I'm so out of the news loop that I didn't even know this was happening. Or this. And I was VERY sad to learn the 80s will be back for fall fashion.)

Anyway. Back to Earth Hour.

If you're unfamiliar, Earth Hour is where monuments and buildings in cities all over the world turn out their lights for one hour. Sounds like great energy saving, right? Well, really it's just a "statement" to urge "...world leaders to take action to fight global warming".

OK. Whatever.
Look, don't get me wrong. I'm all for saving the planet and stuff. But using one hour a year to try and send a message just ain't gonna do it. How about one hour every month (or week) and then donating the money saved in electricity back to...something?

Anyway, I'm not getting all politico-green on this post. What this post is REALLY about is the hilarity I found in the Earth Day episode of Larry King Live with his two celebrity guests Edward Norton and Alanis Morissette.

Alanis Morissette is kind of known for her activism, so I wasn't surprised to see her. But Ed Norton?
OK.
To each his own.
All was revealed though when Larry King took some email questions from viewers. One viewer asked something like, "What do each of you do in your personal life to support this?"

Edward Norton starts - CLEARLY uncomfortable - and says something like, "Well it's in changing the way you use energy. Like I changed lightbulbs...and I drive a green car...well, I don't really own a car, but when I drive I drive a Prius..."

UH...HUH?!?!

They were showing a split screen with Edward Norton and Alanis Morissette and Alanis couldn't even look up at Ed Norton. She averted her eyes, took a drink of her coffee all the while Ed Norton was blah-blah-blahing away about...something.

Next up? Same question for Alanis and she answers something like, "I have solar panels at home, I compost, I make jewelry with only sustainable materials to cull the gold...organic Tshirts...the materials used for our CDs..."

LOL!

On the split screen you could see the bubble over Ed Norton's head reading:
SHOWOFF

I mean, really. Was Ed Norton into this or not? Was he doing it because he was getting paid? I have to tell you, he didn't seem that knowledgeable on the subject. I've posted the YouTube version of the savory uncomfortable exchange. It's about midway through.

Oh, and turn off some lights, will ya?

So.

Class 2 of Gymboree.

Prior to our first Gymboree experience a couple of weeks ago, I had posted that I was semi-excited about the new challenge for Ella (and a reason to get out of the friggin' house). One of my Twitter Friends replied, "I remember being so isolated that the prospect of meeting other moms was exciting. And then I did and it wasn't. As a writer, you're curious, interested, intelligent, eclectic...1 hr of diaper comparison & you'll want to blow your brains out."

I laughed, thinking, "Surely NOT!"

And then?

Today happened.

But there was no gun to the rescue.

Turns out?

I stepped into Stepford-Gymboree.

APPARENTLY, you have to be a size 2 with fantastic hair, cute jeans, manicures, the latest Chloe bag, a perfectly behaved child who sleeps all night and no longer takes a bottle at age 13 months. HM.

Who knew?

Suddenly? I was in high school again.

(BTW, if the new Gucci purse is called the Jackie, don't you think it's a sign?!?!)

(I digress...)

Anyway...

Pre-Ella, I had heard of these Mommy Cliques. (They're kinda like Gossip Girl, only for older, post-pregnant women.)

I thought these groups were urban myths.

Until I experienced it.

The weird thing is? I'm way past the point of caring what other people think of me. I mean...

I'm social!

I'm smart!
I'm semi-trendy!

I have an interesting career!
I have a cool haircut!

I dress my baby in UGGs.

I have Juicy Couture sunglasses!

Why doesn't anyone want to ask me to the prom? (Oh, wait, that was something entirely different...)

So today, during my Stepford Gymboree I had a running reel of non-stop internal dialogue. It went something like this:

CONVERSATION ONE:

Perfect Mom 1: OH! I'll be 29 tomorrow!
Perfect Mom 2: I just turned 30, isn't it depressing?!??!

Perfect Mom 3: Oh, that's how old I am... *unison sigh*

All three look at me. I just? SMILE AND BLINK *blink*blink*blink*

Jackie Internal Dialogue (JID): Seriously? I don't even remember 30. I just turned 40 and I have a 1 year old. I'm worried about hot flashes, breast exams, and retirement savings before my kid makes it to kindergarten....

CONVERSATION TWO:

Perfect Mom: Oh so you're NEW. Are going to come to our Tuesday class now?

Me: Yes

Jackie Internal Dialogue: Not only am I going to be in your class, I'm also NOT going to get a manicure. In fact, I'm going to continue to sweat all over your class while I have to chase my crazy-not-fit-for-public kid all over. Did I mention that I shop at Target? And sometimes? I buy GENERIC at the grocery store if it's on sale!

CONVERSATION THREE:

Another Perfect Mom (APM): So...I'm sorry, I forgot your child's name?

Me: Ella. EL-LA.

APM: So, does ELLA sleep through the night now?

Me: *snort* Uh, no.

APM: *shock*surprise* REALLY?
Me: Why, does Patty?

APM: Yes, she sleeps from 8 p.m. to 8:30 a.m. I need my "me time", you know?

Me: Well, Ella sometimes sleeps through the night. Sometimes she gets up in the middle of the night and wants a bottle.

APM: *gasp* REALLY?

Jackie Internal Dialogue: Not only does she not sleep through the night sometimes, but we still co-sleep with her and she's a king-size bed hog and I either have to teeter on the edge or sleep on the couch. AND? She takes MULTIPLE BOTTLES per day. AND? She sucks her thumb. STILL. And this "ME TIME" - what is this "ME TIME" you speak of??!?!?!??!?

For goodness sake, people. It's Gymboree, not an ivy league admission test.

GYM.BOR.EE.

As in a GYM.

FOR BABIES.

They have frayed carpet and no heat in the bathroom.

LET.IT.GO.

I mean, can't we all just get along? (Even though I wore my Rocket Dog sneakers and a hoodie?)

Maybe if I tell them about my artsy writer side there willl be forgiveness? You know, kind of like that crazy aunt that wears big flowered Mu Mus and always has bright red lipstick on her two front teeth? You tolerate her just so you can make fun of her later when she's not around.

To make things worse? Ella bores easily and really isn't that interested in playing with the other kids. She plays at home all day by herself. I'm sure she's thinking, "Why are these people invading my space?" So, not only does my kid NOT join with the other kids, I spend the entire 45-minutes-feels-like-3-hours chasing her around.

(Did I mention the sweating?)

(Mine, NOT HERS...)

So today, on our SECOND CLASS don't forget, the instructor said, "Boy, Ella sure is everywhere. Tracy [the other instructor], did you see Ella?"

I mean, WTH?

(HELLLOOOO SECOND CLASS...barely enough time for Ella to understand she's coming to a class, let alone how she's supposed to act...)

I just smiled and said, "I need a nap." My internal dialogue said:

Look, I'm just thrilled to get through this. She's completely out of her element, which makes me edgy and uncomfortable. I'm just glad she didn't cause one of the other children bodily harm or throw up on some mommy's Christian Louboutin boots. Maybe you guys should consider serving margaritas to parents after each class.

BTW, I find it interesting that Gymboree's tagline is Creativity-Confidence-Friendship.

PFFFFT.

Show me the love, I say.

SHOW. ME. THE. LOVE.

Ella, post-Gymboree (clearly disturbed as much as me by the experience...)

You know you've missed them. I've had some of you tell me they're your favorite thing on this blog. By now, you are probably giddy with anticipation! Fear no more! More Riveting Marital Conversations (MRMCs) Are BACK (and better than ever!). (OK...maybe not BETTER, but back at least.)

MRMC #1
As we watch a bug-infested house on a Flip This House episode:
Todd: OOO! Let's turn it on the HD channel.
ME: Yes, because we definitely need to experience cockroach crap in high-def.
Todd: EXACTLY!

MRMC #2
On a cell phone conversation to Todd
ME: So anyway, the guy says...
Drop call. Todd calls back.
ME: SO ANYWAY. What I was saying...
Drop call. Todd calls back.
Todd: Where are you? Why do you keep dropping calls?
ME: Look. I could negotiate NATO agreements with the cell service I have right now. It's obviously you.
Todd *sigh*

MRMC #3
Todd: You know. It's really stupid this whole Paczki Day thing. I mean, it is SO NOT pronounced Pooonch-key. Look how it's spelled!
ME: Oh yeah? You're Polish now?
Todd: No. I don't have to be. It's the same stupid thing with Brett Favre. Why is his name pronounced FARRRR-VE anyway? DUMB.
ME: *sigh*

MRMC #4
ME: (To Todd while trying to feed Ella whose new thing is NOT eating) I don't understand the drama. She doesn't have to fling her head all around and be so dramatic. (raising voice and gesturing). I mean. WHERE. DOES. SHE. GET.THAT.FROM.ANYWAY?!?!
Todd: ::rolls eyes:: Yeah. I have NO IDEA where that trait comes from...

MRMC #5
ME: I can see Ella's 2 front teeth coming in. They look SO BIG.
Todd: They aren't big.
ME: They look like big bucky beaver teeth on her little gums.
Todd: Have you seen your two front teeth? They are a lot bigger than the rest. You have good teeth though, let's hope she gets yours.
ME: Yeah, except my front one. It looks like there's a little hairline crack in it. I might have to get a gold tooth or something.
Todd: We can just get you a grill.
ME: Would it really be a grill? I mean, it's just one tooth.
Todd: Then it would just be a Gr...