Look, I'm all for breastfeeding, or not (NO JUDGEMENT!). Do what you want and what you think is best for you/your child. Doesn't matter to me. Personally, I'm going to TRY breastfeeding. (Emphasis on try since I've heard some horror stories...). If it doesn't seem to work, resulting only in stress to me and the baby at every feeding with mutual frustration and disharmony in the land of bubble gum ice cream and rainbows, then I will bottle feed (NO JUDGEMENT!). Anyway, as I was looking through the comments/ratings of various breast pumps prior to purchasing, I stumbled upon this comment:
My Girlfriend and I decided to buy this pump and split the price in half. She used it for about 3 months 5 times daily. Then she passed it on to me. I'm still currently using it and it's been 6 months using twice to three times daily. I love this pump. It has a good suction. The black tote come in handy when you have to travel or return to work. I read other reviews that mentioned about motor went bad after a few months of use. But it's been almost 9 months for me and it's still going. Very recommend for first time mom.
Uh, HUH!??!
WHA?!?!?
(Honestly, when I first started reading I assumed that a guy was writing the comment, NOT A REAL GIRL FRIEND!).
There's something about having my breast suctioning at the same place that my girlfriend's breast was suctioning that I find well, just, OOOKEY. I mean, I LOVE my girlfriends, but I just don't want to LOOOOOVE my girlfriends. (NO JUDGEMENT!)
I am married to the biggest denial hound in the world (MAYBE the Universe). Whatever happens in my house, my husband is the first to say, I didn't do it. It wasn't me. Or, some form thereof. Most of the time, I can't even get out the full accusation before a NOT ME! is hurled in my direction. And, hey, guess what? We are the only two human species that live here! If it wasn't me, is it wrong of me to assume that it is the only other thing with opposable thumbs living here?!? I think not.
Previous conversations have included the likes of:
Since you drove my car last night, where did you put my keys?
Dunno, didn't have them.
Who has been using my towel?!?!
I didn't do it!
Who drank that case of beer and ordered all that Pay-Per-View Porn?!?
Wasn't me.
(Ok. Ok. I made the last one up, but, heh heh...)
Sometimes he'll even try to throw our friends under the bus in order to save himself.
Who were those skanky blond Ho's you were talking to?
UH...Wasn't me, Dennis told me to!
(Ok. I made that one up, too, but you get the point.)
(They were really brunette.)
(Sorry, Dennis, but you know it's true...)
(er, the throwing under the bus part, not the skanky Ho part)
Anyway...
I don't know what has caused this in my husband? Possibly living a life with a bullying younger sister who always got her way while my husband always got blamed to the point of an eventual cat-like nail fight and fork stabbing? (Hey, I'm not judging, I'm just sayin' a dose of therapy and psychotropic drugs all around may have been helpful in THAT family...). But this behavior is now quite concerning since we have a little one on the way. Because, I can tell you right now, I absolutely CANNOT handle two people screaming at me "I DIDN'T DO IT!" when they break my prized vase because they were throwing a football in the house when I told them not to. (OK, that was really a Brady Bunch episode, but hey, it can happen).
Today's Ultimate Denianator episode:
Background: On Wednesdays, I get to "sleep in" because the store opens late. I use "sleep in" loosely, because after not being able to get comfortable all night, having a "starving" cat b*tching at you outside your door at 6 a.m. and then the dog taking his cue to lick a face (helloooo...like I didn't know that you've been doing the pee-pee dance on my head since 4:35 a.m.?!?!), well, it really isn't sleeping in.
Today, I make my way into the kitchen to make some toast and SQUISHY SPLAT, I step on a sopping wet rug in front of the kitchen sink. I mean, this was no OOPS, I dropped a cup of coffee on the rug. This was soaked and pooling onto the tile all around. This could mean one of two things:
1. Ms. Princess Kitty Pee (NOT to be confused with the other one, has decided, yet again, to "bless" us with her ability to pee on every rug and item we have in our house (which is why we have a house full of hardwood floors AND ABSOLUTELY NO AREA RUGS. It's a good look, especially in a formal dining room), OR
2. That slow drip, drip, drip under the sink has finally caught up with us.
I pad away on my "morning off" to find the Ultimate Denianator (UD).
ME: So, did you happen to notice that the entire kitchen was flooded when you got up this morning?!? (Yes, I certainly have a flair for the dramatic).
UD: HUH?!?!
ME: Kitchen. Rug. Flooded. (UD follows me back into kitchen)
ME: (picking up the soaked rug) Uh, you didn't notice this when you came in to make coffee this morning?!?
UD: NO!
UD: I only made coffee!
UD: I didn't even go near the sink! (FYI-the coffee maker is RIGHT NEXT TO THE SINK)
UD: I didn't even turn on the light!
Me: *sigh*
Over the weekend, hubby and I visited a well-known home store to buy some trash cans for home (I KNOW, who can believe how we live it up on weekends! WOOHOO!). As we were standing in line to check out, there was a family waiting behind us.
Hubby: These are HUGE trashcans. These should work really well.
ME: Opening and shutting the lid. Yeah, we should be able to fit AT LEAST two dead bodies in each of these.
Hubby: (without missing a beat) And we won't even need to cut them up. They should fold up nice and neat in these.
The family behind us? Moved to the next lane.
And that, people? That's how it's done...
A BIG CREEPY MAN (BCM) was just in the store. And, I emphasize BIG MAN (big enough and strange enough for me to actually consider that if he wanted to build a sacrificial alter in my back room with me as the offering that I would probably lose).
Strange Occurrence #1: Deep throaty pscyhotic laughter coming from back, non-fiction room. Creepy enough that I was afraid to go back there and see what it was all about. Finally, my curiosity got the best of me:
BCM: You know, looking at the self-help section, I just realized that it's all a crock. All of the people with the highest self esteem are the psychopaths and serial killers.
ME: HM. Never quite thought of it that way.
_____
Strange Occurence #2: BCM comes to the front of the store.
BCM: You know, I was just wondering if Barbara Bush ever considered aborting George and if she's sad that she didn't follow through with it.
ME: HM. I certainly hope not. I wouldn't want anyone to abort anyone else.
WTF
_____
Strange Occurence #3: BCM looking at our flyers for our Halloween Party.
BCM: So, are you celebrating the traditional Halloween here?
ME: HM. What do you mean?
BCM: You know, celebrate the season of darkness and cold with hollowed-out, lighted pumpkin heads guiding the way from house to house as you ask for fat for the feasts of the spirits.
ME: *blink*blink*blink*
ME: Er, was there a question in there somewhere?!?
The freaks come out this time of year, they surely do...
No secret here that own a used bookstore in a small town. My business kicks my a** (not to be confused with my business kicks a**), but I love it. On most days (and 99.9% of the time), it's a wonderful, fun, cool job - harder than anything I've ever done, but still fulfilling. There's that dreaded .1% that does want to make me want to saw a blunt object across my carotid until I'm flopping around on the floor. But, hey, nothing is perfect, right?
Before I go further, let's digress, shall we?
Let me 'splain something about owning a business in a small waterfront touristy kinda community - most people here don't seem to take their business too seriously (totally perplexing to me, but hey...). They open when they want, close when they want, do want they want...well most, except US. I mean, good for them, but I think if you run a business you should, well, RUN YOUR BUSINESS. We have RELIGIOUSLY and CONSISTENTLY stayed open within in our posted hours for the last year-and-half. Well, OK, except those times in the first 3 months of the pregnancy when I was spewing Exorcist-Alien type of matter from my mouth - then I closed ('cause really? Who wants to clean bile off a book before they buy it?). IF we were going to be closed, say on the slim chance that we took a day or two off *GASP*, then we posted it well in advance, put it on our VM and our website. Why am I telling you all of this? Because, aside from the KMART and CVS, we may be one of the most consistent businesses in this town. No arrogance, just fact.
So, imagine my surprise last Friday, when I'm sitting at the front counter paying bills 10 minutes before we open (also known as "getting here early to take care of the 'CEO' functions") and I hear an incredibly jarring *BANG*BANG*BANG* on the glass of our door. I look up in shock, anticipating the green hand of the Incredible Hulk to be hanging on the inside of my door. Instead, it was just a small crowd (4 people) gathered outside of the door. Before I go further, let me ask this question:
Have you EVER IN YOUR LIFE banged on a door of a store that wasn't open?!?
HM.
Me either.
Anway...
I'm more than mildly annoyed because:
1. Getting here early is the only time I have to take care of the mundane side of business,
2. We were not open because it was NOT TIME FOR US TO OPEN, and
3. THE INCREDIBLE HULKTRESS WAS BUSTING THROUGH MY F-ING WINDOW.
So, I open FIVE MINUTES EARLY MIND YOU (which may not seem like a big deal, but for those of you who own your own businesses, you understand. Oh, the things you can accomplish in 5 minutes without customers/clients around), to a public lynching. I open the door to a barrage (not in a nice barrage questioning way), of
"Why aren't you open? You're LATE!!"
"You saw us standing out here, why wouldn't you open?"
"What were you doing, anyway?"
(all of which is NONE OF THEIR BIDNESS, BTW)
The best part? Two of the people waiting to lynch me are just out for their morning walk and decided to get in on the early morning fun WITH NO INTENTION OF COMING IN THE STORE. HELLLOOOO...move along grandma and grandpa, you're going to miss the early bird specials at Big Boy...
WTF?!?
As the Incredible Hulktress pushes past me to go inside, she grunts,
"You're LATE! It's five after"
and, I couldn't resist. Usually, when customers annoy me and I want to tell them where they can spend a toasty eternity, I just do my signature blank *blink*blink*blink* stare with no comment. This morning, I had had it:
ME: I'm not late, we open at 10.
Incredible Hulktress (IH): I said it's FIVE AFTER. Your clock is SLOW.
ME: Well actually, I go by my computer, which is callibrated and synchronized to international time, so, if anything, I would say that your watch IS FAST. Honestly, I have NO IDEA what 'callibrated and synchronized' to international time means, but it sounded DAMN GOOD.
IH: I don't think so. *sigh* I need to know if you have these books...whipping out a list
ME: OOOO...sorry...you'll have to wait just a few minutes. Since you're EARLY, I will need to finish opening my store...
What a juvenile and unnecessary exchange, but hey, I have an alien growing inside of my that says I have the right to have my head explode at anytime I want. SO, NAH NAH NUH NAH NAH.
*ahem*
Her list? Consisted of the morning's BEST SELLER LIST. (In case you missed it, scroll up, this is a USED BOOKSTORE). Of course we didn't have any of the TEN BOOKS ON THE LIST.
IH: Well, you know, I'm trying really hard to support your local business, but you're making it very difficult when you have NOTHING that I want. (btw-I love when people tell me how grateful I should be that they patronize my store. I'll be the judge of that, thank you very much).
ME: *blink*blink*blink*
ME: Well, let me explain something to you that you seem to have missed about this store. We are a USED BOOKSTORE. USED. Which means, we are NEVER, I repeat NEVER going to have the current day's bestseller list unless you've ordered them from us.
IH: *grunt*spew*pfflt* It says on your windows have a new books, too. Damn the advertising!
ME: True. We do have a limited amount of new books, but most people who want books off the bestseller list ORDER THEM FROM US.
IH: *grunt*grumble*spat*
ME: smile
Her last coup de gras? She tries to pay with a $50 dollar bill (for a $6 sale). Which I laugh at uncontrollably. Shockingly, she comes up with the exact change when I say to her (in a mom kinda way), "AHH. Now, you know very well, you are my very first customer. I cannot break a $50 dollar bill."
I hope she comes real back soon, it was a fantastcially fun way to start my day.
BuhBye.
Don't let the door hit you...
*blink*blink*blink*
Addendum: I should've listened to my friend Jeanne on this day when she said, "After that, close, go home, take the day off." I was really wishing I had listened later that day when my computer started doing a physical memory dump and completely crashed. I blame it all on the Incredible Hulktress...
