Ok. So I've had the joy of waking around 3 a.m. every morning, for some unknown reason. Thus, I've had the opportunity to clock some serious "paid programming" time (and there's some wrinkle cream that I'm TOTALLY buying, just so you know). ANYWAY, at around 5 a.m. this morning I saw something that takes the cake. There's an infomercial for taking Bahama vacation trips called BAHAMAVENTION. From the title, I'm sure you can surmise the premise. Yep, it's 30 minutes of pretending like these ugly, fat, (and apparently stupid) people are receiving interventions from loved ones to get a Bahama vacation.

Way.

This older, white-haired, nice-looking man "hosts" the infomercial as a serious "these are the symptoms" and "this is how you can perform a Bahamavention." DANNY is the "star" of the infomercial. Checking him out should give you more of an idea. (Seriously, have you ever seen uglier people in a TV commercial?? What was the casting call? "Looking for people to star in satirical infomercial. Must be ugly, fat, or unable to act. Bonus payment for all three.")

I found myself honestly annoyed. Maybe it was the lake of sleep, but most likely it was this sad attempt at humor that falls completely flat. The only thing that made me chuckle was the "Are you tired of being constantly blinded by your loved ones dangerously untanned skin?" (We always joke that Todd "glows" he's so white. However, this still didn't make me want to go to the Bahamas).

It may sound funny in print, but honestly it may have been the most annoying thing that I've ever seen. There were NO pictures, film or ANYTHING ELSE of the beautiful Bahamas (ok, to be fair, you see some brief still pics 14 minutes into the informercial. Yes, I timed. Hey, at 5 a.m. what else to I have to do?) What is more annoying at 5 a.m. than watching ugly, fat people who can't act as they try to be funny in a tongue-in-check way and never seeing any of the Bahamas? I can't think of anything.

So, to the marketing geniuses who thought up this annoying waste of money without showing the Bahamas? Sorry, no go. Cancun, Mexico, here I come...

Why is it that I'm not Jewish and don't celebrate Hanukkah, yet I can't get the Dreidel song out of my head?!?!?

(I defy anyone to hear it and then rid it from their brain!)

If you are a teenage girl who comes into my store in a bikini because you've just been to the local beach and can't take the time to change before you ask me for a job, I'm not going to hire you.

If you are a teenager asking me for a job and I say, "What's your favorite book?" and you say, "Oh, I don't really read that much, I just need the money," I'm not going to hire you.

If you are a teenage boy asking me for a job and I say, "We aren't hiring" and you get all bitter and say, "Can't I just leave my name and number so you can call me?" and I say, "No, we really aren't hiring. It would be a waste of your time" and you turn around and huff a REALLY BIG SIGH and then say, "GOD!" REALLY LOUD before you angrily bust out of my door, I'M NOT GOING TO HIRE YOU.

I'M NOT GOING TO HIRE ANY OF YOU.

EVER.

(but especially that last kid...)

(see what I did there? Jackie Handy? Old Saturday Night Live reference? You know...oh nevermind...)

• Um, what's up with Britney & Paris BFF? Obviously there's some social herding call that only skanky blondes with fake boobs and botox can hear...
• It's really, really (did I say REALLY) hard to type when you are wearing winter gloves.
• Apparently, you don't need a degree (or even a high school diploma) to write for the local newspapers here (yes, a topic revisited).
• Webkinz monkeys are REALLY popular!
• Apparently it's easy to get 5 bucks from my husband if you are the ravers living next door who shoot bottle rockets at my dogs, put up Christmas lights in August, and move a German Shepard in who barks incessantly. (See Bright Lights, Little City for background info)
• In my area, if you go into a restaurant at 8:35 and they close at 9, they will not let you order. HM.

AND FINALLY,

Just because you LITERALLY SPEND ALL DAY lighting and decorating your Christmas tree, it doesn't mean that you will get to enjoy it all lighted because one light bulb will go out and short the entire tree after it is completely decorated...

We have this little Santa at the store. He is holding a book and when you press his hand he reads Twas the Night Before Christmas. It's really cute, he has a big fluffy beard and his head, mouth and eyes all move while he is reading.

Unfortunately, his hand pulled loose from the little book he is holding. I was super gluing his hand back to the book when I realized that I glued my thumb and forefinger to the book. Not just a little, but REALLY glued it on there. At that exact moment a customer brings up some books to check out and I'm really in a panic. I can feel sweat forming on my brow and I seriously canNOT pull my finger loose. HOW EMBARRASING! This nice older woman just stood there looking at me. What could I say?!?!

I tried to nonchanlantly pull my fingers off and I REALLY COULDN'T. She's looking at me, I'm looking at Santa...

Finally, I just ripped my fingers loose and a layer of the skin from my thumb came off (yes, OUCH).

Thus, I left some DNA on Santa...

So we go on a Christmas tree expedition on Sunday.

BAH.
HUMBUG.

I LOVE Christmas, but I just wasn't into the whole tree thing this year. Could have something to do with the fact that I already decorated at the store or that Todd leaves right after Christmas every year for an event that leaves me taking down all the decorations myself. Either way, I just wasn't into it. So, Todd says, "I saw a sign for cutting your own tree right down the road, let's go there." Last year, we went to this GREAT tree farm with our friends, but I just wasn't up for the hour-plus drive.

Let me give some background: We have vaulted ceilings, but with our furniture, not a lot of room. So, we must have a VERY TALL tree, but NOT very fat. You know, Charlie-Brownish, but not too Charlie-Brownish. Easy right?

BAH.
HUMBUG.

Ok, so we get to the local place and I can tell as soon as we drive up that they don't have trees tall enough. I say, "They don't have anything here." I don't want to get out because, 1) I don't want to waste my precious time, and 2) It's too damn cold-I mean that wind cutting through to your very bone cold. Which is OK if it's snowing and pretty, but it's not. It's cold but MUDDY. *bah humbug* So, of course we get out where I get to enjoy the sounds of hunters shooting cute furry animals across the street every 30 seconds (that can ruin the Christmas cheer worse than no snow, let me tell you) AND have the guy send us on a fishing expedition because he "just knows he has those kinds of trees back there..." Of course, he didn't. He argues he does, we leave. Jackie's crabby (yeah, big shock, I know).

We starting driving to the hour-plus place and see another "cut your own tree" sign. What the heck? We try it. We get out, the first one I see I say, "Let's get it." (I obviously didn't really care). We don't, instead we walk around for an hour, traipsing through muddy fields (no snow here STILL, only rain) with the -40 degree weather (OK, so it really wasn't -40, but it felt like it). We get in the truck, I have to pee (NO, I'm NOT using THAT PORTA POTTY THING!) AND Todd notices we have something like 4 miles to empty and we're in the middle of nowhere. Imagine Blair Witch Project, only during the day.

We drive down the street, find a skanky gas station with an even skankier bathroom (oh joy!) where there is (wait for it...)
A MIRROR ON THE WALL INSIDE THE STALL! I stare at it for a few minutes convincing myself that it's a two-way mirror (I really do think it was). Who cares? If they want to see my cottage cheese a**, so be it, I have to pee.

Leaving gas station, describing two-way mirror to my husband, almost get sandwiched between a car in front of us and a truck behind us when stupid car at front of line slams on breaks.
We weren't paying attention because we were trying to find the radio information to see if it was Dean Martin singing about "Rudy and his red beak" (Dean, you arrogant SOB, must you blaspheme Rudolph?).

Finally arrive at the tree farm an hour-plus away AND find our tree in 10 minutes. WAY. And that's INCLUDING the time it took to listen to the girl explain the tree farm map.

Shall we recap?
-Furry animals dying
-Redneck tree farm liar
-Minus 40 degree weather
-Muddy traipsing
-No tree again and porta potty
-Two-way mirror
-Dean the SOB and red-beaked Rudy
-Sandwich smash
-10-minute tree

I think that pretty much sums it up.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!